she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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