I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
