What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
