just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
