I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
