I'm jealous of your bromance
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
