do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
