I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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