Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
