My Higher Power is John Stamos
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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