If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
