I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
