dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
