I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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