from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You can't motorboat a personality
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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