Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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