I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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