She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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