I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
