Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
