we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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