she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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