She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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