Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
