I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
