She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize