I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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