If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
