I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
