I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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