I could have mohawked her pubes.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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