Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
