pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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