We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
