I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
