He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
