i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just invented taco cereal.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
