the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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