I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
