Jerry, you need to find god
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
