Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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