Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
