Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
