Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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