i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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