Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
