I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
