Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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