please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
