theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
