I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
