You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
