i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
