I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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