i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
