I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
