I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My pussy is not your playground.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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