Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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