So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
