Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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